I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
