we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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