I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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