I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
