I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
