I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
