Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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