so that wasnt chicken after all
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
