you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
