Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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