does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm like, not good at living.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
