So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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