I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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