Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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