when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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