On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
