He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
