Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
