What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
