Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
