And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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