Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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