Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
