i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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