Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
