It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
