I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
