I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
