And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
