New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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