If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
