Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
