pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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