he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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