turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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