i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
