What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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