they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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