Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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