I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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