dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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