Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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