Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
