He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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