It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize