Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize