Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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