I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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