walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
