I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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