We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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