i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
