I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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