I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize