When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
